Monday, May 20, 2013


From my journal....

Saturday, January 27, 2011: I would feel so lucky and my prayers would be answered, if I could have even just a few moments with you breathing.

Saturday, March 12, 2011: At 3:30 a.m. last night I woke up to you hiccuping. I laid awake feeling every movement.

Sunday, April 3, 2011: We're another week closer to your birth--and my hope grows that you'll be born alive. Maybe we'll even get to take you home.

Friday, May 20, 2011: The happy day that was Allegra's only birthday.

Sunday, December 25, 2011: I remember last Christmas. You were growing inside me, but not so big I'd felt you move yet. Your diagnosis was confirmed only two days earlier. I sat on the piano bench watching your siblings excitedly open their gifts, telling myself to smile even though I was sad and scared. Mitch sensed this and continually asked if I was okay. Mitch's gifts to me were things I'd wanted for a long time, but their significance was unfulfilling--I only wanted a healthy baby.

After six months of wondering which day would be your last, you gave me, Mitch and your siblings the gift of 29 days together. No period in my life is sweeter than that time. The kids behaved, slept through the night and cooperated. My marriage was strengthened as Mitch encouraged me to spend all my time loving you. We saw the very best in people as they served us because they loved you.

I feel lucky to have had you. I gained experience and wisdom. Thank you for waiting, for surviving, for patiently living in your uncomfortable body, then quietly leaving it as I held you. I love you and I miss you. I need a new year.

Happy Birthday Baby Allegra! I think about you every single day.
Love, Mom