Monday, May 20, 2013


From my journal....

Saturday, January 27, 2011: I would feel so lucky and my prayers would be answered, if I could have even just a few moments with you breathing.

Saturday, March 12, 2011: At 3:30 a.m. last night I woke up to you hiccuping. I laid awake feeling every movement.

Sunday, April 3, 2011: We're another week closer to your birth--and my hope grows that you'll be born alive. Maybe we'll even get to take you home.

Friday, May 20, 2011: The happy day that was Allegra's only birthday.

Sunday, December 25, 2011: I remember last Christmas. You were growing inside me, but not so big I'd felt you move yet. Your diagnosis was confirmed only two days earlier. I sat on the piano bench watching your siblings excitedly open their gifts, telling myself to smile even though I was sad and scared. Mitch sensed this and continually asked if I was okay. Mitch's gifts to me were things I'd wanted for a long time, but their significance was unfulfilling--I only wanted a healthy baby.

After six months of wondering which day would be your last, you gave me, Mitch and your siblings the gift of 29 days together. No period in my life is sweeter than that time. The kids behaved, slept through the night and cooperated. My marriage was strengthened as Mitch encouraged me to spend all my time loving you. We saw the very best in people as they served us because they loved you.

I feel lucky to have had you. I gained experience and wisdom. Thank you for waiting, for surviving, for patiently living in your uncomfortable body, then quietly leaving it as I held you. I love you and I miss you. I need a new year.

Happy Birthday Baby Allegra! I think about you every single day.
Love, Mom


  1. Happy Birthday Allegra. I think of you often, especially on your birthday.I remember holding you and feeling your sweet strong obedient spirit. I could see your beauty inside and out. Thank you for touching my spirit and teaching us all so much. Ali you are forever in my thoughts. A mother's love will never end. Amazing how much we miss our little girls always and forever and how much in their short lives they taught us. I feel your pain. Thanks for your sweet thoughts you share, I wish I had had the courage to write down my feelings. You and your family are amazing!! Love you

  2. Ali-I was cleaning out my temple bag yesterday and found the small piece of paper where you wrote the name of this blog that day I ran into you at the temple. I had read your blog before but it's been awhile. Your thoughts are touching. What a beautiful baby Allegra was. Your whole family is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

  3. Allegra and yourself helped us so much in our journey....and I thank you for that! Happy Birthday Allegra!!

  4. Hello Allie,

    I'm an LDS mom of a soon to be born Trisomy 18 baby. We are due with Lainey 12/3. I sure would love to be in touch with you between now and then. I'm grateful for your blog as I prepare to do that which you've done. Love and blessings Sister. Dottie

  5. Thinking of you guys. Remembering Allegra today.

  6. I just realized that May 20th has come and gone again and I didn't offer my love to you. I admire you so much Ali.